You know when your 14 and angsty and you claim that before you die you’re going to do it all? You’re going to sky dive, try heroin, run a marathon, live on a farm, be a hippy and a groupie, travel the world, live in London, participate in a threesome, drive one of those huge grocery store trucks. I dunno.. Maybe that was just my friends and I. But regardless.. That was the plan.
I think our subconscious was trying to explain that we wanted to experience it all, no judging (except those who judged us).
Well now I’m 24, and let me tell ya, I have zero inclinations to do heroin or jump out of a plane.
I would totally still live in Paris, or on a farm, or on a farm in Paris. But I know who I am now. I don’t need to try out different personas.
The problem I’ve recently run into, though, is that my grunge phase lasted longer than it should of. While the angst ran out in early college, at about the same time as I stopped eating gluten, I sometimes forget I’m no longer mad at the world. And more importantly, I’m tired of people who are convinced that the world is against them.
It was an intangible problem I couldn’t put my finger on. But then I discovered the answer by default: After spending time with my lovely friends who are a family filled with love and optimism (and for the record – God), I felt full inside. A few days later I was with an old friend who’s convinced he has the worst luck and that things will never work out for him. I just wanted to shout “take responsibility!” Or at least try to love yourself. Lordy.
Angst passed 21 is just exhausting.
So now here I am, sorting through my thoughts realizing that I now live a life where I know who I am, I know my flaws, and I take responsibility for my mistakes. And the people who make me happiest do the same.
Sometimes it surprises me how wonderful it is to grow up. Peter Pan was wrong.
Categories: Musings & Epiphanies
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