All of the unsettling feelings from yesterday were gone when I woke up this morning. A full nights rest really does wonders for the psyche and the body. It’s nuts.
I’ve realized as of late, that in addition to sleeping, I need to keep up on my yoga. Yoga breeds self awareness; which is why, this morning I found myself wondering why I was so transfixed yesterday with past lives I’ve had. I realized that in each situation my world was very small. I was stuck in a place where I only had a handful of people and things that defined my reality – when I was a personal assistant I had just one boss, one leader; in the dorms my peer group lacked diversity and we were all consumed with our insecurities, which we projected on each other; In high school I had a lot of wonderful friends, but I was happiest when I was alone with my books and my journals.
My unshakable independence has benefited me quite a bit throughout my life, but after a certain amount of time it becomes loner-ish, and that’s when things get gloomy.
It’s surreal looking back on all these times and realizing that I lacked awareness of how small my world was. I thought that my goals and struggles were so important, and I had no idea of the greater things that were yet to come.
Yesterday I had the wonderful fortune of bumping into an old lover, someone who used to be the most important thing in the world to me – more important than myself. We grew in different directions, though, and as a result we had to end our relationship for the sake of keeping ourselves whole. It put me in such a nostalgic place because I realized that we can never go back to where we were. I will never again be able to re-live that feeling of leaving him sleeping in the morning, and coming home to him making dinner at night, even though that was my only reality for a couple of years. Our lives revolved around each other and now I have a life completely independent of him.
It makes me realize that I truly have no idea of what’s to come. None. And I really have no control over it either. This is the same sentiment I was feeling last night when I went to sleep, but today it feels much grander. Maybe I’m on the brink of something new and wonderful.
Current Music Obsession:
“Hey Shady Baby..”