Remember the good ol’ days, before the social media boom… over a decade ago when the sounds of dial up and AIM would get your adrenaline rushing? When the only way we could stalk our fav celebs was via TeenVogue or Nylon Mag?
There’s something so primal about connecting with a glossy image, tearing it out, and hanging it up; for no other reason than you just.. like it. You identify with the outfit, haircut, chemistry, scene.
And much to my mother’s chagrin, the images I identified with were 78% grunge.
My tastes have changed, but between Instagram and Tumblr, I’ve been able to maintain my vision board in a somewhat socially acceptable, albeit covert way … (true intimacy is letting someone scroll through your screen shots). But alas, it’s not the same.
The intense over-stimulation of social media is confusing – do I actually connect with this, or does the illuminati want me to think I connect with it?
And then I started delving into podcasts, where rules don’t exist.
I’m a little surprised that deep down, under the blazer, I’m still that same Nirvana-clad 14 year-old; the one who prefers the convoluted, female leads who unapologetically HUSTLE. The chicks who get up and do their damn thing. Speak their truth. Own their intricate story. Damage is what happens when you’ve LIVED.
Hollar atcha girl.
But as I go to parties, meet new people, engage in witty banter, it’s so easy to come off like a shiny new penny. Interesting enough to keep you entertained over a glass of wine, but not so damaged that you fear for me.
And yet, all those dark parts, the ones that so identified with the Cory Kennedy, Nylon Mag, Peaches, Blink182, Nirvana, The Pixies; the parts that still identify with convoluted female leads… those things are all still there.
So here’s the catch I didn’t expect: What happens when someone new, but important, comes along? How long until you let them in to see The Dark Parts? If you’re no longer that person, is there any reason to even fill them in? Will the relationship ever be satiated if you only reveal the fully functional, ambitious human you’ve grown into? You can tackle all the future predicaments, but the past is the past… or will immense cognitive dissonance take over?
My life is bursting with unconditional love. And it’s because of all the chaos. I love imperfections and differences – in both myself as well as in others. I will love you unconditionally.
I’ve probably done it to. Or thought about it. Or worse.
When I was younger I would stare at the shadowy, soft faces tucked into the clear plastic sleeve of my binder and think “THEY HAVE LIVED.” And I promised my teenage, parentally-protected self that I too would live and experience.
I set the bar at experience everything.
And then I more or less followed through on that. My apartment is a tiny little tree house filled with the relics of all my lives. And so here is my conclusion: The people you let fill your personal crevices, (physically and metaphorically), need to know and accept all of you.
I am a combination of ethereal white, muddy gray, and pitch black. The shades come together and make a person that could rival those old Nylon Mag images. Without these things, I wouldn’t have the bump in my nose, the slope in my back, fingers that create, thighs that run, an ass that grinds.
Don’t get me wrong – ya gotta let go of that ishhh that manifested in the early years. But honor the experiences and mistakes, nonetheless.
And so here’s my second conclusion: You need to romance your damn self.
(I totally stole this from Almost30Podcast & That’s So Retrograde –> HURRR)
I’m talking about:
- Solo diners
- Spa days
- Praying – because you’re worthy of voicing your concerns and desires
- Buying jewlery
- Investing time, money, and energy into your home, not because you have to, but because it’s a part of you; no matter how temporary
- Arranging that tattoo; trusting yourself.
- Going to the beach – basking in vitamin D
- Scheduling time with yourself and following through
- Buying flowers from that enticing stand on PCH
- Cooking a complex dinner that only you will enjoy
- Going for a walk, all alone with your thoughts.
- Indulging in that crap film or shady book.
- Shaving your legs for no other reason than you deserve silky smooth legs
Wine and dine your rad self, exactly as you are.
**No idea who created this phenomenal art but I so love them.