Chronicled Single* AF

*Alright here is my chronicled attempt at being single for a month and a half … the struggle was real.. and there were fails… 

Day 1

So I tend to go MIA on here when I find a hunny to hang with, even if we aren’t dating. Partly because boys keep you busy, and partly because I like to be a little more private with my relationships. Even the pseudo ones.

But so here’s the thing: when my ex hunny and I broke up (over a year ago) I told the world I was going to stay single for TWO YEARS. If you ask me why I really couldn’t tell you. Just one of those things. But I haven’t reallyyyy succeeded because I find myself in little pseudo relationships. I don’t care if there’s no title, the point to being single is to go after my goals, love on myself, figure out who/what I want. And snuggling takes up too much time to do all that aaaand have a hunny.

So I have 8 months until I’ve hit that 2 year mark, and by golly I’m going to make these next 8 months count. This is my project. Force myself to suck it up and be alone. Let’s see what I can accomplish in doing so.

Day 10

Cutting out that snuggle buddy means so much more room for activities – with my girlfriends.

Dinners and drinks. And I’m much more present when I’m with them^^ 

Day 11

Ohhh the struggle.
Fun side effect of not having sex for 11 days : acting like a beeotch.

I have no idea what’s happening. But I decided I needed to go for a run in an attempt to get out some of this hostile energy.  Run sucked, too cold, and all my hostile energy was temporarily directed at myself.

Day 17

I guess this means building my own furniture. 

Ouch. 

Day 22

Well shit.

I haven’t decided if I loose points for resuming  to see my previous beaux/guy friend/hunny/idunno. We aren’t dating, but rather he’s a wonderful friend to have dinners, movie nights, and sleepovers with. And as long as I keep myself the priority I feel like this is a lovely thing to be grateful for. Right?

Anyways we both gain points for discussing our previous problems before resuming. Not to mention I’ve put my other lovers away completely – no more heart ache, no more questioning, just done and moved on.

Also I was becoming kind of a nut and needed the release (you know what I mean.. and running only does so much). I was starting to loose a grip on real problems vs emotional-pent-up-aggression ones.

But I definitely gain points for being better about knowing when to put my cellular telephone away this time around. i.e. when I’m with my girlfriends I’m not in a half conversation with them, and half text conversation with this boy.

Day 24

Don’t let the THOTS getcha down yo.

Well this may just be the absolute worst and personally detrimental epiphany that I’ve ever had.

A few years ago, after too many chick flicks with poor plot lines, I was convinced the only way a guy can appreciate you is if he realizes how many other guys want you. I.E. Jealousy inspired adoration. 

And now after being back in the game, I’ve realized how incredible it was to have a relationship where the jealousy was nominal. There was a sort of strength in the relationship instead. Because I know it’s possible, I hold my relationships (of all kinds) to that standard. The green eyed monster just isn’t fun anymore

So I’m realizing that if I want a secure relationship, I HAVE to be secure in myself. So for the time being, I choose to focus on myself, show myself massive amounts of love through excercise, respect, cleanliness, hard work.. And ultimately show my friends and lovers the same love. Because it’s all cyclical. And if it has to start somewhere it might as well start with me.

There’s no reason to constantly compare myself to other beezeys. We are all incredible and all different. And the only thing I have control over is myself and the love I have.

So at the end of the day, or week, or month, or 6 months – I’ve put myself out there, I’ve had an incredible time, and if they leave I’m still left with myself. Wonderful me. Someone I’m proud to be left with.

Day 28

Okay.. yeah.. I’m back on this.

Here’s the thing though, a person only gets so much time, and this single allotment of time is to be distributed to friends, family, lovers, goals, work, transportation, sleeping, eating, planning, working out, relaxing, having sex, errands, chores.

There never seems to be enough time in the week, and there are soooo many people I love whom I want to fit in. So my problem, and why I’m such a harsh critic, is that I have no patience to waste my precious time with a man who’s not going to treat me well. There’s no way in hell I’m going to give up my sleep, my run, my five minutes to do dishes, change the sheets on my bed, a weekend at my moms for someone who’s not worth my time.

Additionally, I thought this was an excellent point as well vv

Day 37

Here’s the thing that I grapple with:

I am a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man.

I’m proud of my goals, I’ve fiiiiinally accepted that I’m not perfect, I actually like my quirks.

But then a man comes along and my value shifts to his hands. All of a sudden the witty banter dies and I can’t remember if I’m even worth texting back.

So it’s like – do I cut out everyone who doesn’t make me feel like a queen? I can be such a bratt-face. Is it good for me to get some pushback? Or do I wait for someone who makes me feel secure?

Do I look at this current situation as a chapter in my life? One to teach me? Training wheels? Or do I protect my heart and close my legs?

I live by the motto that everything happens for a reason and I should never get attached (thank you Buddhism books).

But the other night, as my undies were coming down (sorry Ma) I stopped and looked at this boy whom I so adore, who listens to my drawn out epiphanies and speeches, who puts up with bitchy antics, and I knew this was it. This time, for some bizarre reason, was going to end his infatuation with me. Such a weird, gross feeling. And yet I gave in. Twice.

And even if it wasn’t happening, I was projecting it and making it my reality.

So here I sit, sick with a fever and all mopey, and feeling like no one will ever text me back again. Even though my girlfriends have been blowing up my phone. I have officially turned over my value for the night and there’s not much I can do but watch Netflix and sit in my misery.

Tomorrow is a new day. And I’m so grateful for the intangible problems that I have. And that my future is in God’s capable hands and I have no idea what’s right around the corner. All I know is that I’m happy, and live an incredibly full life. Even having a stupid boy to not text me is kind of great.

Footnote  

I really should mention, this boy and I started or adventure because we were both heart-broken and hell bent on moving on. But I was a little farther in my trials than he. And I could tell that the other day was a bad heartbreak day for him. And part of being a friend is having empathy and not making it about me. That is all. I just found it worth mentioning. 

Day 40

Relationship purgatory. 

The absolute worst. You’re so stuck in between being friends and lovers that you become consumed by it. You project your own fantasies onto every thing your partner does. And yet you also have no idea what their real motives are. You overthink everything.

For me, relationship purgatory is what defined my younger, crazy, immature relationships. We weren’t dating. We were just messing with each other’s head. Always a contest who could care the least. And heaven forbid someone actually acted like they really did care because they didn’t mean it.

Haha jk fooled ya I don’t really have feelings!

I refuse to suffer this punishment anymore. I’m 25. I’ve been so blessed to have had a fantastic relationship where I knew my hunny was there when I needed and wanted him. I knew we were having dinner together at night and coffee together in the morning. When we did our own thing with our own friends, I knew we would find each other in the wee hours of the night/morning to reconvene.

It was safe, loving, comforting. It was happiness.

Relationship purgatory, on the other hand, is consuming. I find myself consumed by the “relationship” when I could be focused on the moment. I don’t want to spend time and energy trying to figure out if someone wants to see me.

At the end of the day I will wait in my solitary singleness for someone I can count on. Because that’s the most amazing feeling in the world. I want a lover who’s my best friend and family.

Day 44

I recently had a friend who went off the deep end. His was in a devastating snowboarding accent and became house-bound for 7 months. His world became so tiny he had nothing to reference outside of his everyday normal.

Same thing happened to me when I was a personal assistant. My reality was solely that which my boss determined it was. My productivity was determined by her sliding scale. My success by her guidelines.

My sister told me once about how her law professors remind them that they are living in a bubble. That their value isn’t determined by how well they measure up to their peers in a top ten, massively competitive law school. So much so that her peers won’t discuss grades with each other.

It’s funny because I purposefully try to have a large world. I work in a large corporation, with multiple peers, multiple bosses, multiple clients. I have a plethora of amazing girlfriends spread out globally. I try to stay up to date on pop culture and social issues. I go out and party. I stay in and sleep. And yet my world has somehow, unbeknownst to me, started to revolve around only one boy.

This fellow all of a sudden defined my value, my sexuality, my desires, my sense of what’s fun and what’s destructive. And when I don’t receive confirmation that I’m wanted by this one, I felt sad, my worth diminished. My world was so small and I had no idea until today.

Talking about my goals and my current distresses with an old guy friend I remembered how well we got along. How much more alive and inspired I was with him. How we rooted for each other. Pushed each other. At one point he told me today, “You were always so good with me.” He was good with me too. And not just in a put up with me way.

I forgot how good and natural it can be.

Conclusion: I no longer have to try to be single. Huh. So no longer chronically. I am legit Single AF. And consequentially the happiest camper.

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