Happiness & Self Lovin’

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

I am happy. And I know I’m happy because of days like today, when I’m isolated, hung over, covered in bruises. Just me and the ramifications of my actions from the night before. And it was all okay regardless. I’m full. I’m content with all that I am – apart from work, from friends, apart from men, apart from family even.

I put in the personal effort – I work out, I work hard, I pray, I got to church, I sleep, I cook, I love on myself. And I just care less. I don’t feel like impressing anyone anymore. I find that I keep my mouth shut when I don’t know what to say instead of stumbling over a makeshift sentence. I don’t care about impressing anyone. And if you don’t like me? That’s your right as a human. Just like it’s my right to live as I want. I don’t even care when I make mistakes. DGAF. I didn’t do it on purpose. I try my best. I try to be kind and loving.

“It’s always surprising to me how many young women think they have to be perfect. I rarely meet a young man who doesn’t think he already is.”

— Hillary Clinton speaking at Simmons Leadership Conference

Sometimes, when I’m feeling down on myself for not being perfect, I think about this. About how the men who judge me, the men who look at me like I would make a good wifey, or look at me like I need to put on some skimpier clothes, wear more color… those guys already think they’re perfect. And why? What are they doing that puts them in a higher category?

The most ironic part of it all is that the more comfortable I am in my own skin, the less I do the things that made me cringe. I don’t run my mouth as much, I drunk text less, I care less about what old friends and ex boyfriends are doing. All I had to do to move past these irritating tendencies was love on myself.

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