Filing Holes

I read, recently, that human bodies naturally fill in holes – bodily fluids fill in the spaces where organs used to be; if you biopsy the lining of an intestine, it’ll grow back; slice your finger open and the body will fill it with scabs (and maybe a little infection).

So it makes sense that when you end a relationship, you’re left with a hole to cope with. Naturally you start dumping things into the cracks in hopes of filling them. New humans to line the chasm with. Maybe a few more parties than normal. All the extra time is just an intangible reminder of the void so new activities – for better or for worse – are adopted.

When my ex boyfriend and I broke up, I kinda broke up with our mutual friends too. I don’t know. It’s not something I’m proud of or something that makes me happy. It just happened so naturally. All of a sudden we didn’t get along anymore. Everything felt forced. I couldn’t even find our mutual interests, instead it felt like everything I said pissed them off. I would tell them my plans to move forward and it almost felt like I was offending them.

Surprisingly, cutting out a chunk of my old life brought me some solace. So maybe it was necessary.

But despite being necessary, it was also sad, the same way breaking up with my ex was. I had a new hole to add to my collection.

So I went out of my way to fill those gaps – I went to a few more parties. I made new friends. I had more time so I even reached out to some old friends I hadn’t seen in a while.

Before, when I was spending every weekend in Orange County with my girlfriends, we would go out and drink and everything just kind of sucked. I was a joy killer. I didn’t really want to meet new men, I just wanted to drink rum and cuddle and watch movies. And cry, obviously. (So clearly you can’t blame my old friends for not wanting to hang out with me anymore).

I was determined to get my life back on track, though. So one Friday night, when I foolishly thought I could stay in and clean my little apartment, I found myself alone – without my old friends, without my old boyfriend.

Just then I got a mass text from my favorite friends in LA asking if I wanted to go out in Santa Monica. I threw my original plan out the window, straightened my dirty hair, threw on my favorite new pants and my favorite old boots…and then, spur of the moment, I texted an old friend I’d accidentally run into the other day. I asked him what he was up to and if he wanted to go out. Simple enough.

And lo and behold he was already in Santa Monica, and he DID want to go out. And he turned out to be kind of wonderful. And a great kisser.

It’s funny because a couple months ago I thought filling holes was kind of a toxic thing to do. But now I’m grateful for those holes. And I’m grateful that life moves forward and naturally fills them. Had I been in Orange County that Friday night, I never would have gone out with my girlfriends and reconnected with my old friend. And had that never happened, I don’t think I would have found myself filled with this happiness that I now have.

It doesn’t mean it’s been easy, it’s kind of a three-steps-forward- two-steps-back kind of thing. But regardless, here I am.

And I have wonderful friends to work out with and eat sushi and cake and watch the Bachelorette with:

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And friends to go out with when we get off work super late:

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And friends who are long distance but still completely wonderful and on point

And even some wonderful new friends:

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