Well so I looked up the definition of happiness and I’m still a little confused. All the definitions are fairly shallow – i.e. “pleased”; as in “I’d be happy to show you around.” Not to mention, each website I look at is quick to post antonyms – i.e. “misery.”
I don’t know. I still don’t get what happiness is.
I do know that, by checklist standards, I HAD happiness. And I was happy – in a shallow way. And I see my friends crossing items off their own checklist that technically mean happiness as well; but just like me, they’re not quite finding what they’re looking for. I also see my friends struggling to cross off things they think are so important, and thinking this means misery.
I guess, even though I’m content with my life and what I’ve done, I’m kind of starting from scratch when it comes to where I’m going. I’ve given up all that I knew as happiness – my old boyfriend, my old city, my old apartment, my old roommates, my old job. All of it has left me with little voids. But as rocky as it all is, the universe keeps blessing me with more. A new wonderful city (full of adventure), new boys (some platonic but wonderful regardless), new friends (whom I love), and a new job (which is everything I wanted).
I’m going after what I want instead of what I was delt.. It’s weird, a little unsettling.
Thanks to instagram I can see myself being left behind from Bass Lake trips. I mean it makes sense, I’m no longer dating the one who owns the boats and the house. But while I loved certain parts of those trips – there were a lot of parts that didn’t vibe well with me. Thanks to instagram I can also see my own face, drunk as a skunk, and despite my stoked look, I don’t know if this is happiness either. Lake trips, drunken nights with my friends, dating new guys — these are the things you’re supposed to do in your twenties, and if I’m being completely honest, my photos make me feel secure – but again, I don’t know if this is happiness. I don’t know if I want what every other 24 year old wants. And I need to stop comparing myself.
1. I want to be single. I don’t want to date just to keep the loneliness at bay. I’d rather wait till a wonderful partner comes along. Plus relationships are so incredibly time-sucking, chocolate-inducing, and exhausting.
2. I want to be heathy as heck. Choosing gym over the bar. Or even barre over the bar – heh. I want to drink more water. More juicing. Putting money in veggies instead of take out. Inviting the girls over for dinner parties instead of dranks at Cabo.
3. I want to be a writer. I want to expunge time and energy into my writing. Whatever that may entail.
4. I want to be a fantastic at this sales coordinator job. Because who knows where it’ll lead.
5. I want to down size. I’ve always had an enviable closet but I’m finding it creates copious amounts of clutter. And I’m sure there are other girls out there who would love my tops and unworn jeans more than I did.
6. I still want adventures. I want to go camping, and visit cool paces, go to concerts and shows. But I don’t necessarily want to be plastered for it all, as is typical for my generation. I want to remember my adventures and I want to be able to enjoy the following day sans hangover. If anything, a little sobriety will help create more time for even more adventures.
7. I want to go to church. And I want to pray and meditate.
I really want to get somewhere great, and be someone wonderful. And there’s a lot of distractions – partying, instagram, tumblr (actually I will always love tumblr, and find it as a huge source of inspiration), Netflix, men/boys (I don’t really know what they are at this age) – but I know if I can focus on the goals and see it through, the outcome will be worth the struggle. I just have to focus on me and stop comparing myself to what I used to have, and what my friends have. I’m not getting engaged anytime soon, I won’t be having babies or building a family, I won’t be buying a home. But maybe I’ll end up somewhere even better by my own standards if I keep at it.